Beam me up Scotty
by Timothy Took
Summary: Four bored ensigns manage to beam themselves aboard the Starship Enterprise, and chaos ensues. Cracky, with tribbles.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This was thought up during an incredibly boring 3 hr long coach journey, and didn't get written until ages, and I mean AGES later. Enjoy…**

**If you are confused as to the four Ensigns, read some of **_**titania took**_**'s stories and all will be explained. (link on my profile)**

**Disclaimer: Star Trek isn't mine. Really. Honest.**

"Bonjour. Je m'appelle Ensign Richards." said a bored, blonde-haired, blue-eyed schoolgirl (otherwise known as Immy) in her French lesson. She was then poked _very hard _ by a small strange thing sitting next to her (aka Ensign Demmar-Waters, or Arwen).

"I'm bored." she said in an exasperated tone.

"Well it's a good thing we have an idea!" replied a pair of frizzy haired maniacs - Ensign Richards (the Elder) and Ensign Tang (Molly). These two had sneaked out of double Latin because they were bored and had got lost so accidentally wandered into the French classroom. "On three, we shout '_Beam me up Scotty' - _it should create an awesome disturbance!"

"OK then… 1…2…3"

"_BEAM ME UP SCOTTY!_" four crazed Star Trek obsessives yelled. _POOF!_ They all disappeared in glowing blobs.

Aboard the Enterprise, Scotty was confused. Very confused. Everyone was on board ship, but someone had called his communicator and yelled "Beam me up Scotty!" in a manner that implied they were the captain, who was at that point in time, snoring at his controls on the bridge.

"Ah well," he said as the people materialised in the transporter room "They can't be too bad can they?" But the chief engineer hadn't seen who he had beamed up, and his face fell as he saw the newcomers.

"Ensigns Richards, Richards, Tang and Demmar-Waters at your service, sir." Said Ensign Richards the Elder (Kat).

"Yes, I know who you are."

The four Ensigns looked dismayed, but then the blonde one with the plaits and the bow (Ensign Richards the Younger, or Immy) piped up " We brought you a pet tribble." (she held up a small furry blob _which had FANGS_!) "We found it in my locker, so it might be a bit fierce. If you don't want it then… we will have to give it to Lieutenant Uhura, and you know what happened last time we tried that… It was SO annoying - they got into all the sandwiches!"

The girls appeared to be wearing grey skirts and toothpaste coloured shirts. Scotty was thinking that this was a little odd when Molly (Ensign Tang) explained that it was school uniform and that they were about to get changed into Starfleet regulation uniform instead.

"I would hardly call your munchkin suit Starfleet reg-" began the Scotsman, but it was no use. They were gone. Moments later though, they reappeared, Kat and Arwen (Ensign Demmar- Waters) in blue shirts and trousers, while the other two were in dresses.

Molly was in red stripy top and tights with a red dress, and Immy was in a blue dress. Officially, as a yeoman on the bridge, she should wear a red dress, but she refused to, knowing that redshirts always die, and Molly was the only one who could get away with the munchkin outfit. She didn't like yellow, hence the blue dress. Kirk only allowed this because no other yeoman provided him with a constant supply of lollipops, or ever joined him in throwing them at other members of the crew. She also seemed to keep Spock occupied with large quantities of grapes, and so everyone was happy.

Arwen seemed to be having trouble putting her boots on and was yelling angrily down her communicator at Spock. From what Scotty could hear in between being poked relentlessly by the two wearing dresses, it was something along the lines of: "Damn you Spock! Stop trying to tell me the logical way to proceed. Yes, I know, you point your toe, insert it into the boot and apply equal pressure. No! Dammit - don't send us to the brig, you Vulcan imbecile!"

Meanwhile, on the bridge, Kirk woke up. He wasn't quite sure why he woke up, but it could have something to do with the tribble hanging above his head. Well, actually held by Ensign Richards the Younger, but at any rate, it was dangerously close to his coffee which was also being held above his head by the Ensign.

As soon as he realised what she was about to do, he jumped out of the chair, just in time to miss being hit by the tribble and the coffee. The tribble immediately exploded into many little tribbles, and everyone on the bridge groaned "Not again…" before glaring at Immy, who smiled innocently. The other three trouble-making Ensigns emerged from the turbo-lift and looked around confusedly. All crew members looked at the captain's chair, which was now covered in coffee and even more so with tribbles, and then looked at the four Ensigns who had caused all this mess.

"PUT THEM IN THE BRIG!" the enraged captain yelled, as he scooped up armfuls of tribbles off his chair and deposited them on Lieutenant Uhura, who gave them to Sulu, who gave them to Chekov, who, despite being told not to, put them down on his controls and started playing with them. Unsatisfied with this, Jim took them back and put them in the turbo-lift where they went down and were thrown out by a redshirt trying to get to the bridge. They managed to wriggle their way along the corridor, through the open door, and into Kirk's quarters, where they made a _lovely_ surprise for him later…

The redshirt who had chucked the tribbles out of the lift had made it to the bridge and was nowfrantically telling the captain that there was an engine failure and Mr Scott couldn't fix it. Kirk was having a slight trouble understanding the ridiculously fast speech, when it was interrupted by his First Officer, Mr Spock.

"Captain, sensors picking up some kind of ship - on visual now. I believe it is a Klingon warbird Um, Captain… it is firing at us."

Rest will come when I have typed it up…..

Anyways, please review…


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N Thanks to people who reviewed, much appreciated, (especially Arwen, because I didn't even have to pressgang you into writing it!)(And yes Kat, I know that aftum means kitchen in Wulcan)**

**Hope you like this part…**

…**..**

The entire ship shook, and everyone was thrown to the floor, and then the Klingon warbird disappeared off the sensors.

"Keptin, they hawe re-actiwated their cloaking dewice. They seem to hawe to de-cloak to fire. Should we actiwate Emergency Procedure 24601?"

The 'Keptin' had a puzzled expression as he tried to remember which one that was.

What with the tribbles and the engine failure, nearly everyone had forgotten about the four Ensigns who had still not been put in the brig, and it was Ensign Tang who remembered that Emergency Procedure 24601 involved firing tribbles at the Klingons as soon as they de-cloak to fire. She said this and also mentioned that it was fortunate about the tribble they had brought along, because otherwise there would be no ammo. At this point, Commander Spock went bright green, as Vulcans tend to do when they are embarrassed. The captain looked at him and enquired "are you all right Mr. Spock, you look a little…"he waved his hand around his face "…well, a little green."

"May I remind you captain, that Vulcans have green blood, therefore it is perfectly logical for my face to be green."

Dr McCoy, who had been standing on the bridge for quite some time now exclaimed "Dammit Jim, are you blind - he's EMBARRASSED! About what, I can't say, but I think it could be something to do with tribbles." The Vulcan's face went even greener. He was getting rather fidgety now, and he stepped forward to the captain's chair, arms behind his back and said "I am forced to admit that the doctor is right. I-er, I keep a tribble in my quarters. For scientific purposes of course." He added this last sentence rather hurriedly.

Kirk laughed and laughed, he fell off his chair laughing, and rolled around on the floor, and the doctor had to restrain him from laughing any more in case he choked or something like that. _Not that that would have been a bad thing, _the doctor mused, before thinking, _Oh damn, I took that hippopotamus oath thingy which means I can't let him die. Shame really. _He mentally kicked himself.

Still chuckling, Jim pulled himself back into his chair and looked at his first officer. _Yes!_ He had been waiting to do this for ages - now was the perfect opportunity.

"Spock, you lied. You went on about how it was perfectly logical for your face to be green, when you were actually embarrassed about a tribble!"

"No, Captain. I merely implied."

But Kirk was getting into the swing of things now.

"Yes Spock, but Vulcans don't believe in imps because they are illogical or something like that, and if you take the 'imp' away from 'implies', what do you get? Lies, Spock, lies, lies, lies! You can't deny it Spocky Wocky. Vulcans lie."

Spock then demonstrated the well-practised art of the 'face palm'.

"Your logic is illogical, Captain. Now if you will excuse me, I have a job to be doing." With that, the Vulcan returned to his station and glared at his controls. Those controls were very lucky that Vulcan death glares can't actually kill, because otherwise they would have started smoking immediately. Chekov and Sulu exchanged incredulous glances before smiling and looking back down at their own controls.

Kirk recovered from the Vulcan telling off soon enough and used the ship's intercom to talk to Scotty.

"Mr Scott, how are you doing with the engines?"

"Engines all fixed Sir, but dilithium crystals are very low - we're down to the last couple and they won't last much longer."

"Alright Scotty. We'll have to stop off at the nearest planet. Anyways, do we still have firing capabilities?"

"Aye, Sir. What would you be needing them for, Captain?"

"Actiwa- sorry, acti_vate _Emergency Procedure 24601."

"But Captain Kirk, we have no tribbles!"

"Yes we d-" He looked around to find the tribbles gone.

"This is the Captain. Security alert. Search all decks for tribbles, especially near the food replicators and storage compartment. They could be anywhere. When they have been found, take them to Mr. Scott who will be in Engineering. Kirk out."

…

**A/N You may be wondering:**_** Why not just feed Spock's pet tribble and be done with it?**_

**There are two reasons for not doing this:**

**1) Nobody had thought of that **

**(or at least, I hadn't until I wrote the rest of the story).**

**2) It would kinda make the story a bit too short, and anyway - who doesn't**

**think that they should have just got the Eagles to fly over Mount Doom and **

**drop the ring in? **

**(Lord of the Rings - awesome, so no offence to Tolkein meant here)**

**3) (idea courtesy of Kat) all tribbles on board the Enterprise are neutered to **

**prevent tribble explosions**

**Final part coming when it has been typed up…**

**Anyways, reviews are nice, so please press the button…**

…**you know you want to…**


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N Sorry that this chapter took a while to get up, it was due to a lack of reviews from somebody, not mentioning **_**any**_** names, Arwen Demmar-Waters, and not glaring pointedly at **_**anybody**_** in particular**_**, especially**_** not Arwen Demmar-Waters…**

**Anyway, rant over. Final part here goes. Enjoy…**

Kirk was tired. He kept dosing off in his chair and so he had ordered Chekov to poke/slap/kick/prod/do anything else to wake him up if he did fall asleep, but still… He decided to return to his quarters.

The door opened, and Jim walked in and flopped down on his bed, hoping for a nice comfy snooze. He was instead greeted by a familiar indignant squeal as he lay down on a huge pile of tribbles. It is not known how he didn't see them there as he entered his quarters, but, he didn't. Anyway, he took the tribbles down to engineering where Scotty fixed them into their harnesses to go into the TFM (Tribble Firing Mechanism). Star Fleet came up with _such_ original names…Kirk returned to the bridge and cancelled the security alert.

"Mr. Scott, are the tribbles ready for firing?"

"Aye Cap'n they are, the wee things."

"Mr Sulu, lock on target. Fire on my command."

…

The Klingon commander was getting bored.

"They were supposed to fire back, not just sit there! We may have to fire again. I do like it when they try to fight back - it makes for such good entertainment. Prepare to fire on the Federation vessel. Ok. FIRE!"

Back on the Enterprise, Chekov caught sight of the enemy ship and yelled "Keptin, The Klingons hawe deactiwated the cloaking dewice. Should we fire the tribbles?"

"Right away Chekov."

The sewenteen year old Russian genius poked Sulu who fired at the Klingons just as the Klingons fired at the Enterprise. The ship shook like crazy, but it was nothing compared to the reaction coming from the Klingon warbird - you could have heard that scream for _miles_!

"Mr Sulu, Warp Factor three. We're leaving."

"But captain, we have an almost critical level of power." And as if to prove the helmsman's point, the lights cut out and so did all the power.

"Scotty - get us outta here!

"I can't captain. Dilithium crystals are all gone. We can't do anything." Everyone on the bridge turned to stare at the captain as best they could with no lighting.

"Captain, I-"

"Not now, Spock. I'm thinking." Ensigns Richards and Richards (Immy and Kat) butted in with a quick "You can think?" This got a few laughs, but only half-heartedly, as most of the crew were all slightly pre-occupied by their impending doom.

"Captain."

"No Spock."

"Jim! I just wanted to say that-"

"Spock, SHUT UP!"

"I KEEP DILITHIUM CRYSTALS IN MY UNDERWEAR DRAWER!"

Everyone now turned to stare at what the thought was Spock (It was hard to tell in the dark) and laughed. The half-Vulcan was probably turning bright green for the second time that day…

"Well Mr. Spock," said Kirk, falling out of his chair laughing, again (although, this time, nobody noticed; they were so busy laughing themselves), "you will have to go get them and take them down to Scotty, unless you want me to do that for you…" This sent the Ensigns, who had _still _not been put in the brig, sprawling across the floor laughing their heads off at the thought of James T. Kirk, Captain of the Starship Enterprise rifling through his First Officer's drawers.

Anyway, said First Officer went and got the crystal, gave them to the chief Engineer (who wired them in and got the Enterprise back up and running again), and came back up to the bridge, where nobody mentioned the fact that he had a tribble on his head.

Nobody ever mentioned the incident again, except for Kirk, many years later, who was subsequently Vulcan nerve-pinched. Very painfully.

**A/N Sorry, forgot to mention at the start that yes Kat, I know, ka-ranj-i means cactus. Based on a logical assumption, I looked up all Vulcan words that you were likely to say, and cactus was top of the list. You're going to have to try harder than that next time…**

**To the world in general: If you are reading this, then I thank you. You have made it to the end of one of my stories. There will be cookies for you if you press the review button. Or maybe muffins. Whichever you prefer. Whichever you are having, you have to press the review button first. You know you want to…**


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